I was sitting in the front row attending a team business building event recently and there were some beautiful women speaking, sharing with us their knowledge and golden nuggets of wisdom. So the first person due to speak got up and she had so much enthusiasm and a whole lot of nervous energy, she was also engaging and funny.
But as I sat there I grew more and more uncomfortable, more and more irritated and I started thinking - I know all of this already and truth be told I could deliver this a whole lot better. Ugh! Even writing this gives me a cringe feeling - how could I be sitting there totally judging this beautiful woman and her presentation? I felt so ashamed that I was having this internal dialogue with myself. It confused me you see, because I love supporting and championing other women to use their voices, share their gifts, be brave in their vulnerability, yet here I was being the judgemental, competitive one. WTF was wrong with me?
So I sat with the discomfort and I let myself feel it cos I just had to get to the bottom of it, I got my fave oil out that connects me into my compassionate feminine heart - doTERRA Whisper - and I put it on my pulse points and my heart chakra, then breathed it in deep. I also began to beam love and light out of my heart directly at the woman speaking. And then I sat and I began to witness myself, I followed the ugly feelings and asked for guidance.
As soon as I began beaming love at this woman I stopped judging and shaming myself for feeling this way, which is no surprise really is it when we are all a reflection of ourselves and each other. But in doing so, a new piece of information and understanding was revealed to me....
I want to be up there presenting and I can't wait!!!! Bloody give me the mic and let me at it!!! This is my wheel house - this is my jam, talking in front of others, connecting and sharing wisdom, helping people get to a place of a new, deeper understanding. THIS IS what I am awesome at, this sets me alight, this is part of my mission.......and in allowing myself to admit that I was able to see that I wasn't judging this beautiful woman up presenting - I was judging my OWN AMBITION. I was judging myself for feeling impatient and READY to be up there.
I recognised I'd created an invisible barrier for myself to not "jump the gun", I needed to "earn my dues" I was holding myself back and not giving myself permission to FEEL AMBITIOUS because as women we are taught that ambition is aggressive, pushy, masculine, ego-based, selfish, bitchy, not-likeable and competitive. I have long been battling the bullshit story of "too much" - too pushy, too loud, too bossy, too confident, too pretty, too intense, too sexy, too this, too that. I even had some say that I was too happy and laughed too much and my lips were too big! SO it was a natural thing for me to tone it down, to dim down the lights, to hide my BIGNESS. I've been aware of this for sometime now and how it had actually been holding me back so I had made a pledge to myself to keep being open to expansion and that I was not going to contract or shrink bits of myself so that others would approve.
Giving myself permission to expand means allowing my ambition to be there, she doesn't have to be a bitch about it, she can come to the party too, because when I acknowledge her, value her and understand that she is representing my passion then she is not a bitch because she no longer has to COMPETE for my attention. She is my go-get-her, my drive, my enthusiasm, my can-do, my cheer-leader, she is a part of me so why would I EVER reject her. Oh the relief that washed over me as I got this was fucking fabulous and I could sit back, relax and enjoy supporting this amazing woman present her radiant wisdom that is unique to her and be in full appreciation of her and in deep humble gratitude for the unveiling that I was given.
Are you letting yourself FEEL the fullness of your emotions, good, bad or otherwise? They will tell you the truth, when you are avoiding those feelings and labelling them as wrong, you create an imbalance in the integrity of your energy and this causes a 'leakage point' that allows your personal power to seep out. Do yourself a favour and create time to allow yourself to FEEL what needs to come to the surface this week - you'll be so glad you did, it may not give immediate answers but it may give you some clues to follow.
Love Peta xx
Hey! How are you? I love sharing, I love talking, I love connected from that honest raw place of truth that's within all of us - know what I mean? Yes? Well babe you're gonna love checking in with this blog.
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