Awakening to the Feminine - what it means to me

As I post this I will be on a plane heading back from the USA where I will have met all of my sisters from the Sistership Circle Facilitators workshop/retreat. I was asked by one of these gorgeous women to write about what Awakening to the Feminine meant to me and I'd like to share with you what I wrote....

"Awakening to the Feminine for me has been a gradual process followed by a massive push from the universe!! I can honestly say that it is the gift of Motherhood that has brought me to this awakening process I’m receiving by being a part of the Sistership Circle.
The gradual part has been growing up experiencing life as a female with all of the ups and downs it brings, the growing awareness of my soul within and connection to my higher-self. 

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I am almost 40 and I’m totally celebrating this fact because I really feel I know who I am and I’m comfortable with that. I have also accepted that there’s a lot of things I don’t know but I’m ok with that too and I am living in a more present way that enables me to learn more about myself and thrive in the process.

Ok, so I was thrown into motherhood at the age of 25, and when I say thrown I mean that I didn’t even know that I was pregnant until I was 22 weeks along! I know it sounds crazy but hey it’s all perfect and meant to be. At the time I was single, travelling and planning my trip to Africa, then my beautiful little first born soul made himself known to me and I still remember the first time I heard his heartbeat (by the way I went to the doctor thinking I was constipated!) and I was floored! Then to see him on the ultrasound was like a miracle happening right in front of my eyes. Feeling him move and grow in my womb and watching my body change was a constant amazement to me that a woman’s body could do this. I really fell in love with being a woman during this time.

So when I birthed Jordan into the world I stepped into another way of being. It was magical and I truly felt connected to the feminine power of creation. As he lay on my chest with his perfect eyes, nose, lips, everything I drank him in and infused his scent into my being and felt the most profound love I had ever felt. I was on cloud nine and so in awe of myself and this cherub baby for the first six months even with the sleepless nights and the boobs exploding with milk I just couldn’t get enough of this feeling.

As a single parent it became tough at times to deal with the sole responsibility and the sadness that I felt because I wasn’t sharing it with Mr Right. I had my wonderfully supportive parents and I am very grateful for their help. Yet I also felt shame at being a single mum and my loneliness within that along with wondering if Jordan was somehow missing out, then feeling guilty. Would I change it? No way, Jordan is a complete blessing and the best souvenir I could bring back from overseas ever!! He is 14 now and my heart bursts with pride at what a wonderful human being he is. It was also the start of my journey within and the beginning of my connection with Reiki Energy.

Then along came my magnificent warrior husband and together we gave birth to our beautiful boy Sampson who came out with such wide, knowing eyes and calmness, he made me feel so calm as he lay on my chest and fed from my breast. I was glowing and amazed yet again at the magnificence of motherhood, shared with the togetherness of having my husband and my other son Jordan all together in “family”.

As Sampson grew older I knew that he was different and my gut was telling me something but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I realized that he wasn’t talking the same as the other kids when he went to kindergarten but yet I always knew what he wanted. He was also extremely emotional and sensitive to his surroundings and would completely “lose it” when his routine changed. I secretly wondered if he had obsessive compulsive disorder. But then again he was so loving with a kind spirit and looked right into your soul with his mesmerising green eyes, laced with long curly eyelashes.

I was four months pregnant with our third son, Billy when we found out that Sampson has Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). I will never forget that day. I was sitting in a chair next to my husband in a small office and the psychologist was explaining the test results and Sampson’s “diagnosis” of ASD. I had never really known much about ASD but what she was saying felt to me like damning him to a life in hell. As I sat there and she kept talking about all of the things he wouldn’t be able to do and the constant struggle he would have, tears began to roll down my face, her words became distant, I couldn’t see properly, my world was caving in and my husband was rubbing my back so hard I could feel his fear through my back and later on we would have a giggle about the fact that he nearly pushed me off the chair he was rubbing so hard.

For the next week I grieved hard for the son I felt I had lost, I just didn’t know what the future would hold and I felt as though I didn’t even know him. That was until my wise husband said “Babe, he’s the same boy as he was before the diagnosis, he hasn’t changed. He’s still our Sampson.” And my, what a magnificent being he is. Sampson has shown me a whole new perspective on life and taught me immeasurably. He is my walking, living, breathing spirit guide. He is a transcendent being who has chosen to live in a human body to teach love. He has opened my eyes and heart to the multidimensional beings of love that we all are. I am so thankful to have this journey with him.

So now for my little Billy, my little cutesy with the biggest desire to be loved, so much so that his placenta grew into my uterus and attached itself so that he couldn’t let go. I’d like to say that I had a wonderful birth experience with Billy; however that would unfortunately be a lie. Don’t get me wrong, the end result of having this gorgeous little being in our lives is wonderful. Though the actual birthing was very traumatic for both of us, so much so that we left our bodies during the process and I feel that valuable bonding, nurturing time straight after birth was missed between us. In a sense I feel guilt around this, that I just wasn’t able to be present physically and emotionally. It’s no surprise then that my lovely Billy-boy feels terrible separation anxiety that breaks my heart and also completely smothers me with his need.

But what a delight he is to have in our world and a privilege to have in our family, he never stops talking or singing and says the most adorable things such as “Mum, I love you so much in my heart and all over my body, you’re the best mum in the world” – priceless. He teaches me child-like joy and ensures that I stay very present and grounded in the moment.

Living with these four masculine energies that I love and adore is never boring! It can be downright exhausting. I have found myself pushed past limits and felt lost, struggling with overwhelm and searching for answers to keep it all together. That search has led me within.

As a woman, I am many things; I am a mother, I am a wife, I am a lover, I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am a friend and I am so much more - I am a feminine leader. Through motherhood I have been awakened to the all-encompassing divine feminine goddess within me. I have learned that I must cherish myself and love myself first so that I can create the space for the masculine energies of my three children, my husband  and myself to fully thrive. I have realised that it is the feminine essence within me that is the creator, the inspiration, the glue, the binding force that provides and holds the container full of love for my family.

Motherhood, what a gift!

As a mama YOU ARE THE CEO of your family, want to start feeling like it? You can through the Leaning into Leadership Course, find out more now.