It's been a big day! My baby boy Billy had his first day of school today. He's not even 5 yet! Another 3 weeks and he will be, my little Piscean prince. He is the youngest of our 3 boys, the eldest being Jordan at 14, then Sampson at 9 and our Billy-boy at 4 (almost 5).
To all of you mothers out there that watched your little babe go off to school today, I feel you. I didn't think it would be that hard but there you go.
You know it really hit me last night as I watched him fall asleep, he's my last one and he's moved into a completely new stage of life. I posted about it on Facebook saying that I was feeling very emotional and that I was soaking up his preciousness as I gave him Reiki energy and watched him fall asleep. He had gone to bed but then came out and said I think I need some Reiki mum - he's such a babe, tells me "I love you all around my body and in my heart and all around my chakras"!!
As I left him at school this morning I really wanted to stay and watch him at the first assembly but I chose not to. Why? Hmm well to be honest I wish I had stayed now, but I know that I was doing what I thought was right for him. Billy has big separation anxiety and I thought if he could still see me at the assembly then he would run, crying over to his mama and beg me to take him home. It just seemed cruel to do that to him. We'd already said goodbye in the classroom and he was so brave, only a little wobble and then he went and sat on the mat.
So after that I went to my friends house for a reassuring cup of coffee when I got a photo text of Billy from my brother who was at the assembly watching his kids, tears sprung up and out of my eyes. I went to see my hubby at work sat on his lap and sobbed. He held me and said that he was feeling it to.
A mum loves all of her children equally but differently, because they are different little personalities, individual people. As a sibling of a child with Autism it can be incredibly hard a lot of the time. It can be brutal to watch the hurt that they go through and the misunderstanding that he has around Sampson's actions toward him. It's hard for Jordan too, he's the older sibling and it effects him deeply too. They love their brother Sampson with a passion, however they also come up against some hugely conflicting emotions that result from Sampson's lack of emotional control. He can be hurtful and that's the awful truth. It's also true that he doesn't fully know the implications of his behaviour on a human level. He is the most gentle, kind and loving soul and this is also the case at a soul level - he is always healing and protecting and supporting. Which often means that half of him is off in another dimension.
Nonetheless, Billy goes through a bit of extra angst and anxiety than most other 4 year olds and I think it's for this reason as well as him being the last of my baby's that has had me close to tears all day! I'm so incredibly proud of him and when I picked him up from school I could see how proud he was of himself - he had done it!
His first day of school......
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